


I'll Never Tell

by Sashataakheru



Series: Taskmaster Advent Calendar 2018 [22]
Category: Taskmaster (UK TV) RPF
Genre: Angst, Bisexual Angst, Complicated Emotions, Complicated Relationships, D/s, Daddy/boi, Heartache, It's not just sex, Longing, M/M, Poetry, Secrets, Taskmaster Advent Calendar 2018, Unrequited Love, advent calendar fic, didn't mean to fall in love, just tell Alex you love him Greg
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-23
Updated: 2018-12-23
Packaged: 2019-09-25 10:18:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 749
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17119493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sashataakheru/pseuds/Sashataakheru
Summary: Taskmaster Advent Calendar Dec 23: LoveYou’ll never find out Alex if I hide this all away. You’ll never be hurt not like me.





	I'll Never Tell

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Dear Master](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16295627) by [Sashataakheru](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sashataakheru/pseuds/Sashataakheru). 



> Kinda, sorta, a response to [Dear Master](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16295627) but not really. Weird spacing was all Greg's doing.
> 
> brb channelling all my bisexual angst through Greg bc I’m finishing off [Five Unanswered Valentine’s Cards...](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16683454) in time to post the last chapter on Christmas Day and Greg’s angsting at me again and that’s all I’ve got to work with right now. 
> 
> Also if you’re wondering whether writing every day for 23 days directly after writing 55k in November for NaNoWriMo at the same time as the kitchen was torn out and redone and having really fucked up sleeping patterns all month has left me feeling fkn exhausted rn, you would be right. I’m buggered. Two fucking days to go. Jesus I need a rest. (I've started swearing like Greg send help.)

You’ll never read this Alex  
It’d break your heart if you knew  
All the things I keep to myself  
All the defences I put up to stop myself loving you  
All the ways I try to forget how much it hurts  
The ache in my heart  
It takes so much effort to stop my love pouring out  
Because you’d hate me if you knew  
That I’ve loved you this whole time  
But I won’t give in to it  
We can’t be lovers Alex  
It’s just sex, it’s not romantic it’s just a fuck Alex  
You’re the sweetest man I’ve ever known such a kind soul  
To love someone like me isn’t easy I’m just too needy  
I chase people away all the time  
So I don’t bother now  
It hurts less now when it’s sex  
Sex doesn’t break my heart I don’t care fuck me anyway  
But I do care Alex I really do I care so much Alex  
You make me happy in ways I haven’t felt in a long time  
And that scares me Alex  
It was just meant to be sex  
It’s just a fuck little Alex Horne  
It’s not romantic it can never be  
But then you look at me, kneel at my feet, smile  
I want to give in  
I want to give myself to you to love you properly  
I want to just let you love me, care for me  
Be my lover not just a fuck  
But saying those words is hard Alex  
And you’re married Alex too  
I’m treading on toes causing so much pain for us both right now  
I’m too clumsy for this kind of secret just let me go Alex  
Don’t come to me with presents with your adorable big eyes  
Don’t do this, you’ll wear me down I can’t take this  
  
-But then you kissed me.  
  
  
Perhaps this poem will never be finished.  
  
Can’t believe I’m writing a fucking poem.  
  
  
  
You just sit there stroking my hair listening to me talk  
I’m so drunk and so are you but it doesn’t matter  
I shiver at your touch  
I yearn for you in ways I don’t want to give in to  
To hold you close in my arms  
To make love to you at last  
And maybe you kiss my head softly  
Whisper to me your love  
And maybe you kiss me again and I fuck you hard  
And maybe for once we fall asleep on the bed together  
And I wake up with you in my arms smiling sweetly  
  
Perhaps I’m getting too needy for you  
I miss you so much  
But we really can’t be lovers Alex  
If I told you all the reasons why you’d hate me even more  
It’s all in my head I know that but it doesn’t mean anything  
It shouldn’t mean anything it doesn’t really but I’m not brave like you  
  
  
You didn’t need to stay  
I would have been fine without you  
But there you are caring for me  
And it’s just a stupid fucking hangover  
I know how to deal with these just leave me alone  
Don’t curl up beside me  
But the soft touch of your fingers God Alex please don’t  
You’re feeling it too I can tell but then you’re kissing me and I want to cry  
I don’t want to give in yet  
But I want to give in Alex  
Make this pain go away  
Because I do love you Alex I love you so much  
But I’m afraid I’m scared of what other people might think  
And all you did was stroke your fingers through my hair

  
Tell me you love me Alex tell me the reasons why  
Why do you love me?  
I still don’t always believe it’s real  
That you love me and your wife  
The same as if I’m your spouse? I don’t know what to do  
You love me care for me your devotion is sublime and absolute and I cherish your submission  
And I love you too  
I want to pick you up and carry you and love and cherish and care for you  
What do you see in me Alex?  
Why did you pick me for this?  
Why are you so devoted to me?  
Perhaps I’m deflecting the question  
But deflection is easy it doesn’t hurt there are no lies  
Even though all I want to do is love you forever  
To stay by your side for the rest of my life  
To be yours always and for eternity


End file.
